To those we’ve lost,
I am so overwhelmed with emotions.
I am sorry. I know I shouldn’t make this about me, and that’s not my intention with this letter but I just need to get that out of the way first. I’m sorry I wasn’t aware of what you were experiencing, whether it be depression or bullying or just not being able to cope with the thoughts in your head. I’m sorry for not offering you my hand when you needed it the most. I’m sorry for not noticing the signs, for not being there for you. I’m sorry you felt that life was no longer your thing. I’m sorry for not making you aware of how loved and wanted you are. I’m sorry. I am sorry.
I am angry at myself. How could I not have noticed? I’ve been in your shoes, wishing to not live anymore, hoping someone would notice my subtle cries for help. Why didn’t I notice yours? I feel so selfish, so stupid, so oblivious. If I only would have smiled at you more. Or if I would have told you how much I admired you, maybe that would have made things better, just once at least. Why didn’t I reach out to you? Why didn’t I?
I am angry at you. Why didn’t you reach out? Why weren’t you able to see how much you were valued and how much greatness you added to everyone’s life that you impacted? Why didn’t you think about how this would affect your community? Your peers that you thought never noticed you? Your family? How could you not think about all of us that you left here? How could you decide something so permanent as a solution to a temporary issue? How could you?
I’m sad. I’m broken. My heart is in pieces thinking of the pain you must have felt before you made that decision. My heart hurts thinking of all the nights you stayed up unable to deal with the thoughts in your head. My heart is so broken without you here. I’m hurt thinking of all of your hurt, your suffering, how great it must have been. It hurts. I hurt. I miss you. I miss seeing you drive down the road, flash a smile at me in the hallway, out on the local baseball field. I miss you.
If you are reading this and you no longer want to be here anymore, please reach out. Please don’t leave me with all these unanswered questions, with all this pain. Find someway to cope with this pain you feel. Find someone to listen, to comfort you, to show you. We are here, as a school, as a community, we are here and we care. We want you to see how beautiful you are and how much you better our lives. Please.